Laugh My Ass Off

Americas Favorite Quitter Says Stupid, Dumb Things About Jefferson, Guns And Bravery (VIDEOS)

Posted in Uncategorized
at 2015.12.23
With 0 Comments

We probably couldve cut the title after Stupid, Dumb Things, but we like to be specific.

August 1 is quitting time for Sarah Palins internet television channel, meaning that no more will you have to pay $9.95 a month, or $99.95 a year, to search for stale croutons of coherency buried in heaps of word salad. This upcoming liquidation means three new videos, not one and a lot of stupid to cover.

Palin says words about Thomas Jefferson

One of the videos put up by her TV channel was about Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson, as well as being a slave owner, was also the first United States President to propose an answer to the Indian Question with a formal plan to move the Indians to Madagascar Oklahoma. Surely, a man to emulate, according to Sarah Palin:

[Jefferson] wrote his own epitaph, and he instructed that it would be etched, not a word more than what it is that he wrote, this is what it read: Author of the Declaration of American Independence, of the Statute of Virginia for Religious Freedom and the Father of the University of Virginia. And thats it. No mention that he was, oh, I dunno, the President of the United States!

Jefferson described himself this way, he said, because these are the accomplishments that he wished to most be remembered. [sic; its all sic, all the time] This is a perfect reminder of the way our founders viewed the office of the presidency. They believed that all elected officials, including the president, should play a limited role for a limited time in a very limited government.

Thus explaining the existence of Jeffersons signature on the 22nd Amendment, which was passed in 1947 after the death of Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

The founding fathers did try the idea of limited government. It was called the Articles of Confederation and it was such a success that it was replaced in 1789 with the Constitution, which established a Democratic federal republic; as opposed to a Libertarian, states only confederation.

Palin says words about guns

In another video, Palin hammered home how much she loves guns. The video, called Criminalize The Crime, Not Gun Ownership, begins with a description of a woman shooting a burglar in the abdomen the sort of thing that almost never happens in the real world and then moves to a string of . . . lets call them incorrect . . . statements about gun ownership:

[The burglars] followed [the victim] to her room, and one man got out some duct tape when her dogs ran in, they started barking, it was all the distraction that she needed. Ahh! She shot one of the assailants, in the stomach, and the other two men, they ran away.

Heres the thing: the gun that she used is now illegal in New York because of its seventeen-round capacity. Had this happened in New York right now, this woman would be considered more of a criminal than the three guys who broke into her house! When you hear people talking about outlawing certain guns, remember that those restrictions put law-abiding people, the good guys like this brave woman, put them in danger.

As Wonkette notes, none of what Palin said is correct, but that shouldnt surprise anyone. The gun isnt illegal, the magazine is; owning the magazine is a Class A misdemeanor, while burglary remains a felonyand there was plenty of time to buy another type of magazine like a ten-round one. If life is an action movie and theyre the protagonists, surely they have the superhuman aiming skills to match, right? It only took one shot in Palins story, so whatre the other sixteen for?

Palin says words about . . . something

Wonkette calls this a post-modern exploration of the English language, which is fitting. In her third video, Palin had a few things to say about bravery and heroics. What those things were is open to interpretation:

And I think about courage often, as our nation faces huge challenges, challenges like jihad abroad and cultural decay here at home and a political system that sometimes seems to just swallow up even the best of men and women. We are being tested, but I still believe that we have the courage necessary to save our nation from decline and from bankruptcy. After all, were still a nation that produces such heroic characters and military, uh, heroes that you read about, and gosh, I wish we could read more about em. Heroes who face the most of uh, the, the terrorist enemies comin at em, and yet they prevailed. […]

So long as our nation produces such men and women, I have hope, and I have hope when I see my fellow citizens taking risks to do things like start a business, and make a lot of sacrifices to raise kids, and help out families who maybe have kids with special needs and elderly parents and maybe illnesses in the families, neighbors helping neighbors, and just reaching to love and support friends in need. We have challenges, yes, but millions of Americans have courage, and courage will prevail.

At this point, Im convinced shes intentionally trying to start a movement best called political dadaism.

Featured image via screenshot

‘s a patron of the arts and sciences, and a supporter for universal human rights — as well as another quite afternoon with the latest find at the local library.

    Thamiel Rosenkreuz

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    • PeedroPaula54

      The reason our extraterrestrial visitors havent bothered stopping to introduce themselves is because they saw one of her videos and determined that there is no intelligent life on Earth.

      • dianna durboraw

        LOL…this is so funny PeedroPaula54. I cant stop laughing.

        • PeedroPaula54

          *takes a bow*

    • Gnarmageddon

      All three videos started at once. Im currently hiding out in a couch cushion fort / bunker and Im heavily, heavily armed.

      • warriorgoddess

        If I bring rum can i hide in your couch cushion fort/bunker too? Three videos of that fruit bat at once does stuff to you.

        • Gnarmageddon

          Password is Wasilla. Dont say it in an Alaksan accent Ill shoot.

      • Kat Martindale

        I had the same problem. Three Palins talking at once was terrifying. I considered barricading myself in the bathroom when I couldnt get it to stop but luckily I found the mute button and saved my sanity in the nick of time.

      • Rocket Scientist

        All three vids started at once here at my house. Somehow the lyric babble of Sarahs flat-as-a-pancake accent came across as the Andrew Sisters on speed. Invidviually, the vids were nails on a blackboard. Perhaps Miss Quitty Pants is going into performance art? Next, Sarah and Todd doing the PAC version of Kayne n Kim in Bound on a SnoKat instead of a motorcycle.

    • wingr47

      Dayum, all 3 started playing at once. BUT, that way it made a smidgen of sense. Baaaaaahahahahahaaaa………….

    • CTOH

      Two of the videos are missing. I dont know if Im happy or sad…

    • Honest Cabbie

      We have tests, but we also have courage and courage will prevail… translates as: dare to be stupid.

    • brian nunziato

      Dumber than a dead moose.

    • Former Republican

      She makes my brain hurt . . . .

    • runnerin1

      Does she realize it took an amendment to establish term limits for the President? What did Jefferson ever write that implied he wanted limited terms? The nitwit strikes again.

    • runnerin1

      By the way the woman with the gun, simply changed the clip. Its now legal.

    • Mark Kinnaman

      After the first video, i refuse to watch the other two after her butchering of the history of the discusions of the forefathers of the USA. you can tell she never once read any diary of Washington, Jefferson, adams, monroe,Madison because had she, she would have known 99% of what she spoke was a lie.

    • nehpets123154

      If Brains were power this woman wouldnt have enough to blow her nose.!!!!!!!!!!!

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