Laugh My Ass Off

BJs For Jesus: Pastor Convinces Women To Take His Holy Milk In The Name Of God

Posted in Uncategorized
at 2016.01.12
With 0 Comments

Christianity continues to prove itself to be the family values religion. A Brazilian Evangelical Christian pastor has been arrested and charged with rape for convincing female parishioners to pleasure him orally, claiming that his penis was blessed and that his milk was sacred.

Several women came forward after the pastor was caught red-handed rubbing his penis in the face of a local merchant, promising her increased sales from his divine liquid. One of his followers described the salty scam:

He convinced us that only God could come into our lives through the mouth. Often, after worship, Pastor Valdeci asked us to do oral sex on him until the Holy Spirit came through ejaculation and delivered funds to the church.

Sadly, and almost unbelievably, this is not satire. I say almost unbelievably because the hypocritical actions of Christians who claim to own a more moral existence than everyone else have become commonplace. From the Duggars little cheating diddler to the court clerk on her 4th marriage who wont issue licenses to gay couples because God would be upset to the mega church millionaires exposed by John Oliver as frauds, Christianity has become less of a religion and more of a bad punchline of late.

RELATED: Josh Duggars family has had enough of his crap.

All the while true Christians who practice love, tolerance and peace pay the price for a rising group of cretins, insolent to their God and traitorous to their faith.

This particular pastor, however, takes the cake. According to Denise Pinheiro, Delegate of the Region:

Sobrino Valdeci Picanto, 59, was arrested in Apore, Goias, Brazil, for raping several women attending his church. He gave as an excuse that his penis had been consecrated with divine semen of the Holy Spirit.

Valdecir came to abuse some elderly, and defends himself by saying that he had an encounter with Jesus in a brothel and gave him the mission of spreading the sacred semen throughout the state, beginning with the faithful Apore Assembly, of which he is responsible.

When we acted Valdeci offered no resistance and even asked if I wanted to be part of the kingdom of heaven on the way to the police station.

The exact number of women the pervert consecrated is unknown. This entire story goes to show not only how reprehensible people can be in the name of God, but how eager others are to give up their free will for a piece of the Holy Spirit.

RELATED: Trump only wants Christian immigrants, forgets that 90 percent of Mexicans are Christian.

Featured image: Flickr


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  • https://www.facebook.com/arkhamNYC jaganar

    this …
    well this should have happened in either FLORIDA , TEXAS or ARIZONA cus its weird enough to be in those bizarre headline states.

  • Josh Bush

    All forms of religion have their share of crazies.

    • Benjamin Dover

      Religion itself is a mental illness. Some people have only a mild case, and can go on with their lives without problem; while others go off the deep end and present a danger to themselves and others. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, seek help.

  • KrisKrispy

    Looks like this guy had more than the second coming on his mind.

    • Benjamin Dover

      Ya …. he was on to the second coming … third … fourth … wahoo

  • Denton Young

    I think its time we throw in the towel and just ban religion on a global scale.

    • CharlieAdamsInKY

      I think youre right.

  • Ricardo Rebelo

    If Clinton were a priest…

    • hardwroc

      Hes NOT. But then, theres If Ricardo Rebelo had a brain, oh, wait, thats just not even believable.

      • Ricardo Rebelo

        Sure hes not…

  • Babooph

    And he did apply the staff of the Lord, spewing forth the oil of righteousness..

  • http://m7computers.com/ spockmonster

    he didnt take the cake. Rather, he put the icing on the cake.

  • http://m7computers.com/ spockmonster

    The Christian religion is plagued with crazies, and they need to be denounced by real Christians. These crazy people are making Christianity into an evil force and are driving good people away from Jesus. They are doing the Devils work.

  • Dale Johnson

    this happened (if it happened at all) at least 2 and a half years ago… not one legit, recognizable news site has this story. Ghana, Nigeria… sounds legit..

  • cris

    LOL and THIS is why there needs to be universal sexual education…suckers…

  • KyuC

    Some people actually fell for that bull? Unbelievable how gullible some people are.

    • hardwroc

      He must have read the story about the unusual breathylizer used by some crooked cops on women.

  • Mensch1351

    Thank GOD I belong to a church that does not advocate you park your brains in the baptismal font!! Dont they teach critical thinking in Brazilian schools???? I mean how gullible can people be?

    • Tony Shell

      Its religion. No brains required.

  • hardwroc

    It is exactly the same use of thinking skills as lumping all Muslims into the terrorist category.
    MAYBE the good Christians, will help weed out the deviates and crazies?

Comments are closed.