Laugh My Ass Off

Just Embarrassing: 2015s Five Conservative Victories That Werent

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at 2016.02.29
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It has long been a conservative foible, this embarrassing lack of understanding as to what constitutes a victory, as opposed to a defeat, stalemate, or even non-event. Back when President Bush stood on that ship and declared MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, a phrase arguably synonymous with victory, long before any real resolution was even in sight, it may have seemed a novelty now it is just par for the course.

1. Announced in the War on Christmas

Bill OReilly recently upped the ante in fundie cray-cray, declaring VICTORY in a war that doesnt even exist. According to the belligerently ignorant OReilly, the fantastical War on Christmas has been won. Yeah, as you probably guessed he isnt giving up yet, and no way is he gonna tell Christians to lay off of trying to stop anyone from acknowledging other holidays.

He just wanted to have a win. So he invented a war, fabricated battles ripe with butthurt and then finally declared himself the victor. Nope, no understanding of the term victory is shown here!

2. Claimed by ammosexual forced to leave gun at home

This right-wing ammosexual wasnt content to leave the f*cking zoo as a safe place for families. His plan was to hold an open carry protest including a bunch of bullies carrying holstered pistols at the St. Louis Zoo to challenge the zoos policy prohibiting firearms. His overly zealous attempt to 2nd Amendment all over the public park full of innocent families was brought to court.

The gun nut declared victory after a Judges restraining order had him carrying an empty holster on the grounds of the Zoo. The parents of the kids at the pre-school on zoo grounds were probably glad he won, too.

3. Declared in Creation V. Evolution debate

Ben Carson, who has made the term smart as a neurosurgeon an oxymoron, declared victory for himself in an argument with a prominent Atheist. He won, according to him, because:

He didnt come from a monkey.

Yep, he is actually running for president. Scary, huh? Even grade school kids understand evolution better than Ben Carson.

4. Miscalculated in debate over guns increasing murders

When something happens at the same time as something else (correlation), that doesnt mean that either has influenced the other (causation) this is not a hard concept. Ignoring that correlation is not causation produced yet another conservative blunder when pro-gun groups declared that record gun ownership had caused a record low in murders.

Conservatives really shouldnt play with statistics, especially when they have yet to master the meaning of the term victory!

5. Invented by fundie bigot: Personal Meeting With The Pope

While she may not have actually said the word victory, there was no doubt in the gleeful victory felt by Kim Davis, Mike Huckabee, Ted Cruz and other fundie fascists when the bigotted County clerk got what she described as a personal visit with the Pope. Of course, there was no personal audience and though she did manage to worm her way into a reception line, it was not a move by the Pope in support of her. The Vatican actually expressed regret for the Pope seeing her.

One would think that eventually they would stop seeing victories where none exist, but then again one would think they would also stop acting and voting against their own best interests. We can, at least, count on them to be consistent in their high self-esteem, yet thankfully also for their low win ratio.

Feature image via Twitter

‘s goal is to spread the doctrine of pleasure and free liberal thought in a land shadowed by Conservative privilege and religious oppression.

For more from Jen, check her out her blog at Huntress’ Uncommon Sense here

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