Laugh My Ass Off

Teens Allegedly Mistake Grandpas Ashes For Cocaine During Burglary

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at 2016.02.01
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Before he departed the planet Earth, one old guy from the St. Louis suburb of St. Peters, Missouri must have been one snortin and catortin kinda fella. After all, local CBS affiliate KMOV reported on March 8, three teens mistook his cremains for cocaine and tried to snort him up.

While occurring last November, details of the burglary were listed in a probable cause statement issued to a St. Peters court last week, when multiple felony charges were filed against 17-year-old Devin Gesell and his accomplices, ages 15 and 16.

According to Detective Paul Barish, the teens broke a door window to enter the home, and stole jewelry, cash, video game equipment, prescription medication…and some magic powder they stumbled across during the heist.

Wasting no time to revel in their goods, the teenagers attempted to taste the powder while fleeing the scene by automobile. Receiving no immediate impact from the dead mans dust, the cremains were then simply tossed out on a highway, where they still reside today with litter, tire treads, and road-kill as neighbors.

Adding more WTF to the story, two of the kids were grandchildren of the deceased, according to Deborah Matthews, whose home the teenagers burglarized. She told KMOV:

Im very upset because of the minors. I mean (they) were his grandsons. They did that to their grandfather. They didnt even realize it was their grandfathers ashes.

So what happens to the kids now? Well, that depends on the outcome of their trial, where theyll face charges of second-degree burglary and theft of goods over $500 in value.

But what happened to them already is probably a much bigger question. Are they now possessed by the spirit of their grandfather? Did they create a new type of family reunion? A new all-natural sinus medication, perhaps? Or has the incident stricken them with such terrible headaches that not even a BC powder could aid?

Of course, they could ask Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones for some insight, since he himself openly admitted the same nasty necrophilia. Richards snorted the cremains of his father, which he mixed with cocaine, he told Britains NME in a 2007 interview.

He was cremated and I couldnt resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. […] It went down pretty well, and Im still alive.

See, boys and girls? Inhaling the dead wont take your life. Stealing from the descendants of the dead may wind up with you spending years of your life in prison, but thats another story. At least you might someday be a rock star.

H/T: The Smoking Gun | Image: Classic Cremation Urns (modified)

‘s served as state and national delegate and even last-minute congressional candidate. He contributes to If You Only News and other sites, including his own blog, ROBservations.

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Rob Groce

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